Never the Bride

If you are one of us who cried, "But I'm going to be forty...someday!"

If you ever asked "But why didn't he wanna marry me?"

If you have ever been in love with your best friend--the one who shares all his heartbreaks with you and tells you about the ones he loves...

If you have sat alone at Valentine banquets, church picnics, and Sunday services directed at smug marrieds....

If you have helped most of your friends with "the most important day of her life"...

If you are still searching for your one true love, or even if you've found him after living through any/ALL of the above, then this is the book for you!

Cheryl Mckay and Rene Gutteridge's book, Never the Bride takes a heartwarming look at a not-so-young-anymore woman who is waiting through her thirties, just as she waited through her twenties, for her life to begin. What does she believe it will take?

A man.

More importantly, a husband.

Follow Jessie, as she talks to you like a beloved friend. Experience her daily meanderings and obsessive thoughts of love and finding love. Perhaps take a few lessons from a fictionalized character who embodies a dozen people I myself know!

There is just enough of Jessie left in me that I wondered if I could stand to read a story about wanting to get married if she didn't find love and happiness in the end. For other readers out there who will feel the same way, and I know you're out there, the ending is very satisfying. Just like the man she meets along the way.


Cheryl McKay is the co-author (with Frank Peretti) of the Wild and Wacky, Totally True Bible Stories series, which has sold nearly 200,000 copies, and the screenwriter of the award-winning film The Ultimate Gift. Rene Gutteridge has published thirteen novels including Ghost Writer, My Life as a Doormat, the Boo Series, the Occupational Hazards Series, and the Storm Series. Together, McKay and Gutteridge are the authors of The Ultimate Gift, a novelization based on the feature film and popular book by the same title.

Find out what it means to me...

So when you think of Aretha Franklin, you think R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Sock it to me.

As my wonderful wife has pointed out, the most popular Aretha song of all time was actually written by a guy. Not just any guy, but Mr. Sittin'-on-the-Dock-of-the-Bay himself, Otis Redding.

This guy was smooth. He was good looking. The girls loved him. But according to his song, he just wanted respect.

Heck, ask any guy if he'd prefer to be respected or loved, he'll most likely choose respect. It's the way we're raised, and it's the way our brains are wired.

So it should come as no surprise that many guys have a tough time showing love to their wives. Guys often think that the way to show their wives love is to do things for them, earn more money, work harder, buy more stuff...in other words, by being a guy!

WRONG!

She doesn't want your stuff, she wants YOU.

But...what does she need from you?

Well, most men cannot figure out women at all. Heck, there are men in their 80s who have been married 50 years who still don't understand women.

Since we are often so very clueless, our all-knowing Creator has TOLD us in his Word:

Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. - Ephesians 5:33

OK, so there's that respect thing again...but we must love her as we love ourselves? Hmmm...

Lets back up...

In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. - Ephesians 5:28-31

Wait..."as their own bodies"? "Become one flesh"? That has a familiar ring to it...

Then the Lord God made a woman from the part he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called ‘woman, "for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and they become a new family. - Genesis 2:22-24

Wow. So from the dawn of time to Jesus' coming and thereafter we have been commanded to love our wives as if she were part of our own bodies...because spiritually she IS part of our own bodies!

But this has limitations, right? I mean, there's some things that a guy just can't put up with. Right?

Right?

Consider this....

The Lord said to me, “Go, show love to your wife again, even though she loves another man and continually commits adultery. Likewise, the Lord loves the Israelites although they turn to other gods and love to offer raisin cakes to idols.” So I paid fifteen shekels of silver and about seven bushels of barley to purchase her. Then I told her, “You must live with me many days; you must not commit adultery or have sexual intercourse with another man, and I also will wait for you.” - Hosea 3:1-3

Hold it...time out. God wanted the prophet Hosea to go to his wife, who was not only gone but shacked up with a new guy, and to take her back? And he was not only commanded to take her back, but to LOVE her!

Little did Hosea know that this was setting the stage for a "bridegroom" yet to come.

Jesus loves His people unconditionally and without reservation. He is the bridegroom to His bride (the Church) just as men are the bridegroom to their wives.

He loved us so fully that he left His place in Heaven to come to Earth and live as one of us. He loved us so unconditionally that His sacrifice on the cross paid for ALL our sins, past, present and future, no matter WHAT we do.

So too must men love their wives fully and unconditionally. Only when she feels fully loved can she meet your emotional needs and find out what it means to YOU.

A Little Respect

What you may not realize is that Aretha Franklin's number one hit song, R.E.S.P.E.C.T., is a cover of a song written by Otis Redding in 1965. Despite the song's popularity and common affiliation with the feminist movement, it was originally written as a song about a man's desire for respect.

"What you want
Honey you've got it
And what you need
Baby you've got it
All I'm asking
Is for a little respect
when I come home" --Otis Redding

Respect.

Sounds simple enough.

But...In my experience, women tend to place more value on love. We ask, "do you love me?" We spend hours, days, years figuring out ways to be loved or to be loved more. But how much time do we spend figuring out ways to increase the amount of respect we have? Not nearly as much as men.

How does a woman show her man respect?

Remember the Taming of the Shrew? Petruchio insisted on a little respect. Kate had to learn how to give it. The ensuing relationship was built on mutual contribution: Kate learned to respect him, Petruchio learned to love her.

Some interpretations of the play, I'm certain, portray her as a docile, domineered wife. However, in an earlier post on the Shrew, I suggested Kate might show some qualities of a biblically submissive wife. A simple reading of the play may not give that interpretation, but plays are meant to be seen, not read! The Ashland production this year, played to the interpretation that Kate learned to honor her husband, even respect him.

The preface, presented to add depth to the hearing of the play, even suggested Shakespeare's England may have known a few things about biblical submission. The point is: Kate did not roll over and play the doormat and is not to be mistaken for Ibsen's Nora Helmer.*

Why mention Kate again? Because she learned a few things about speaking to her husband and to others about her husband.

Just like Kate, most women I know have a way with words. Most importantly, we know how to cut with words, but that same ability allows us to build up with words. Perhaps the first step in showing our husbands respect is watching our words--how we speak to him, about him, and for him.

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue."

--Proverbs 31:26

For more information about the issues of love and respect check out the book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love & Respect.

*Nora Helmer is the protagonist of Henrik Ibsen's play A Doll's House. In Ibsen's play, Nora is the quintessential oppressed wife. She was a possession of her husband, not his partner. The marriage relationship served to dehumanize her and rob her of her own identity.

Shakespeare on Submission Part II

Shakespeare, a proponent of submission? Verily!

In the Taming of the Shrew, the play builds to a pivotal moment: the three newly married gentleman engage in a little good natured ribbing which results in a wager. The wager is meant to determine the most "obedient wife." Of the three, Katharina is the only one to come when her husband bids. She is then sent to retrieve the other wives and she admonishes them:

"Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt....

And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace;
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love and obey...."

Forsooth, dear Kate! Obedience? Service? Kneeling?

You must be kidding.

But she's not. Check out what another writing says about submission:

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:22-24 NET Bible

Kate is not so far wrong after all.

And really, if you look at the entire context of the play, what has she learned? Perhaps, that being a shrew is pretty nasty business. It is not the way to "win friends, and influence people." But when you consider the overarching theme of disguise, it is interesting to consider who concealed themselves the most fruitfully.

Katharina put on the guise of a shrew, her mode of dealing with the inequity of her father's excessive and cosseting treatment of her sister. Bianca put on the guise of an obedient and charming woman, her way of winning a prized husband. But who gains the most in the end?

When Petruchio sets out to woo his wife, he decides the best course of action is to kill her with kindness. (Act IV Scene 1) His harsh words are not directed to her, but rather rails and flails on her behalf. Always insuring her comfort and care. He praises her wit and beauty and emphasizes her value.

Petruchio's methods could be construed as an attempt to break Kate's will. But nothing could be farther from the truth! He compares his plan to the taming of a hawk. Falconry does not seek to break the spirit of the bird, but redirects the hawk's natural impulses. Her fiery spirit is one of the things that drew him to her from the beginning, he has no desire to put it out.

Petruchio adopts the guise of the shrew. From his behavior, Katharina sees herself in a new way. And despite his pretense she experiences, first hand, the equity of the next verse in Ephesians.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;" Ephesians 5:25 Net Bible

Katharina's reprimand to the other wives ends. She turns to her husband and says:
"My hand is ready; may it do him ease."

Petruchio replies:
"Why there's a wench. Come on and kiss me Kate."

And she does.

One more thing. Skip down a few lines, past the pained musings of the other husbands, and read Petruchio's final lines,

"Come, Kate, we'll to bed.
We three are married, but you two are sped.
Twas I won the wager, [To LUCENTIO.]
though you hit the white;
And, being a winner.
God give you good night!"

In the OSF production (summer 2007) the players left little doubt to the meaning of these words. Petruchio and Kate leave hand in hand. Smiles on their faces and a impish wink from Kate to the other brides.

Has he tamed her? Or loved her?

Response: Marriage First -- Part III

What is a husband good for? What about killing spiders, mowing the lawn and fixing garbage disposers?

But in all seriousness, the insights presented in the post below underline the fact that we should not go through life seeking our "perfect mate" on our own. We should instead trust that if the LORD needs us to be married, He will bring us together with that person in His time. Far too many marriages fall to pieces because we base them on our own strength and our own definition of marriage rather than trusting that the Maker of the universe knows what He is doing.

Marriage First--Part III

Men were not created to carry us. A husband does not supply our strength. (For a quick study of what the Bible says about strength, check out a few of the following verses: Ex 15:2; 1 Ch 16:11, 27, 29:12, Ps. 18:1, 32, 39, 23:3, 29:11, 59:9, 17, 105:4, 118:14, Isa. 33:2, 40:29, 31, 49:5, 58:11, Jer. 16:19, 1 Co. 1:25, Eph 6:10)

Let's take it a step further.

Have you ever dreamed of someone who would love and accept you completely?

Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary puts Psalms 118:9 another way, "trust in him [God] alone to accept and bless us."

Oh my. Is it possible that we find the greatest acceptance in God? The one who made us and knows all about us? If you are seeking this kind of acceptance through love and marriage, you are looking in the wrong place.

"Do not trust in princes, or in human beings, who can not deliver!" (Psalms 146:3, NET Bible)

A husband will never live up to the dream. God is the only One who can love and accept us completely. God is Love. (see 1 Jo 4:8 & 1 Jo 4:16) And His love is perfect.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (1 Jo 4:18, NET Bible)

If a husband is not meant to be our strength, if he will never love and accept us perfectly, what is he good for?

Marriage First--Part II

Recently a friend complained that her marriage is not what she thought it would be. Her husband is not as attentive and romantic as he was before they traded rings. She lacks the interest to indulge his wants and needs. Instead of a spark turning into a raging inferno, the coals are barely warm.

My question would be, did she marry because of a heart prompting from God? Or did she marry because she was "in love" and marriage was the next logical step?

In 1995, John Michael Montgomery had a number one hit with "I Can Love you Like That." In my acquaintance, the pervasive sentiment of love and relationships is expressed in the first lines of this song:

"They read you Cinderella
You hoped it would come true
That one day your Prince Charming
Would come rescue you
You like romantic movies
You never will forget
The way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet
All this time that you've been waiting..." ("I Can Love You Like That," by Steve Diamond/Maribeth Derry/Jennifer Kimball)

How true! Young girls often hope for Prince Charming: a romantic notion of a white knight who will sweep us off our feet. But is this a biblical view?

"It is better to take shelter in the LORD, than to trust in princes." (Ps 118:9, NET Bible)

Ouch!

Psalm 118 is titled "Thanksgiving for Victory." Found in the fifth section (or book) of Psalms it is part of the "Songs of Ascent," written after the second temple was finished, and used by the Israelites as a song while traveling up to Jerusalem. Wait? The Israelites, the chosen people of God? Who better to realize the faithlessness of princes or nobles? And if this verse is written by David, think of his experiences with Saul--talk about betrayal.

The verse is written in the original Hebrew as a comparison. "It is better...than..." (Ps 118:9, emphasis mine). Depend on the LORD. Rely on the LORD. God is almighty, powerful, just, and benevolent. God is truth. God is Love. Could a mere man carry us through death? God did! The death of His son on the cross carries us into eternity. If he can do that, why would we seek anything less to carry us through life?


The Psalmist is very clear. Do not trust in princes (nobles). The point is: even men with the greatest power--men who are chivalrous, honest and true--do not have the strength to lift us up--to carry us!

Marriage First--Part I

The working title of my novel is First Comes Marriage. If you read my blog sometime in the last few days you may have noticed the phrase "First Comes Love." Every now and then I slip and say the latter. The title comes from the children's rhyme, "K-i-s-s-i-n-g, then comes love, then comes marriage..." and the rhyme is embedded deeper in my mind than my own title. (By the way--I fixed the error this morning so no need to search for it.)

This is the first in a trilogy exploring the pioneer era of Central Oregon. The railroad was not complete and water was still a prized commodity. Travel from Shaniko to Terrebonne (58 miles) would take no less than 8 hours by auto-bus, 24 hours by stage or as long as 4 days by horseback! And we think we have it rough driving through Redmond at rush hour.

Each title in the series will playfully twist the familiar rhyme: First Comes Marriage, Next Comes Love, Along Comes Baby.

Why marriage first?

In the United States, the modern conventions of marriage lead us to believe that when someone falls madly in love, the natural fulfillment of this love is marriage. What if the reverse is true? Can a man and woman marry and find the natural fulfillment of this marriage is love? How does this fit with God's view of marriage?

Character Diary: Bethrina Granger (First Comes Marriage)

July 23, 1909

Dear Diary,

Dinah plans to send me away. Truly! This time, she has set the deed in motion. I found the proof.

I have known since the first day I arrived she was unhappy with me, but this? How could she do it? If only Uncle Alfred would say something. Of course there is no hope there.

I think of the day Charlotte proclaimed her love for Thomas White. Aunt Dinah fainted! I administered the smelling salts and she came awake squealing, "My baby will never marry a lumberman!" Charlotte pleaded with her mother for nigh on a week, Uncle Alfred watched quietly from his side chair. The poor girl waited nearly three years for another offer.

In my imaginings I see myself standing before her, telling her that I will choose my own husband: I will choose my life. But how can I? She has cared for me all these years. She suffers so much from my presence. I would dishonor her, and my family to do so. Or perhaps I simply lack courage.

My only hope is for this stranger, Mr. Henry Wyatt. Oh! I can't think of that now.

I must put out my light and prepare for bed, but to what good? The new street lights glow all night long and I will never sleep.

With the hope of something new,
Bethrina