Review: Enduring Justice

When I picked this book up, I had to steel myself. Within the first few chapters it was clear that this book addresses some very difficult topics: kidnapped children, evil racist men who hurt children and the FBI's National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC).

However, as I read on, I found that the story is more about healing and Godly attitudes than the atrocities themselves.

Hanna Kessler is a barista in her father's coffee house. She has a dark secret that she has never discussed with anyone. Federal Bureau of Investigation agents Michael and Steven (Hanna's former boyfriend and her brother) are investigating a case that brings Hanna's secret to light.

However, this isn't Tom Grisham's A Time to Kill. Rather than writing about vengance and anger, Mrs. Wallace tells a story about love, healing and moving on. This story answers the question: what should be the Christian's response when bad things happen?

You can find this book here.

Publisher's synopsis:

Hanna Kessler’s secret remained buried for decades. But when the shadows of her past threaten those she loves and the system fails FBI Agent Michael Parker, setting a white supremacist free, they must learn the difference between vengeance and justice is their choice to heal.

Author bio:

Amy Wallace is the author of Ransomed Dreams and Healing Promises, a homeschool mom, and self-confessed chocoholic. She is a graduate of the Gwinnett County Citizens Police Academy and a contributing author of several books including God Answers Moms’ Prayers and Chicken Soup for the Soul Healthy Living Series: Diabetes. She lives with her husband and three children in Georgia.

Love as a Way of Life

Interview with Gary Chapman:
1. Describe some of the everyday situations that can be changed if a person has a foundation of love.

When love becomes the focus of ones life it will change every encounter we have with people. In the family, the husband is thinking, “what can I do before I leave for work that would be helpful for my wife?” Such thinking may lead him to take the trash out, put his breakfast plates in the dishwasher or feed the baby while his wife takes a shower.

In the workplace, employees are asking, “on my break, what might I do that would help someone else?” They will also make time to listen to a co-worker who seems to be having a hard time with a personal issue.

At the bank, post office, or cafeteria, the lover will look people in the eye and smile, perhaps opening the door to a conversation. They will express interest in what is going on in the lives of those they encounter.

The focus is not on “it’s all about me.” But, rather on “It is all about others.”

2. What is the take-away message of Love as a Way of Life?

Love as a Way of Life is designed to help the person who sincerely wants to make a positive impact in the world. I believe that is ‘most of us.’ Our biggest problem is that we don’t know how and we keep getting tripped up by our own selfish ambitions. The purpose of the book is to help us break free from the prison of selfishness and come to experience the satisfaction of truly loving others as a way of life. It is little acts of love that build up to a lifestyle of service.

3. Why do you need a foundation of love before you start figuring out our love languages?

The five love languages give information on the most effective way to express love in a meaningful way to a particular person. But, if you are not a loving person – don’t have the heart or will to focus on others – the information is of little value. Most of us must make a conscious change of focus from self to others if we are going to genuinely, and consistently enrich the lives of others. Love as a Way of Life is designed to help people make that change.

4. When did you realize the need for this book?

I first recognized the need for Love as a Way of Life when in a counseling session a husband said to me, “I’ll tell you right now, if it is going to take my washing dishes, and doing the laundry for my wife to feel loved, you can forget that.” I had just explained to him the concept of the five love languages and that his wife’s primary love language was ‘acts of service’ and that these acts would deeply communicate his love to her. I realized that he lacked the will to meet his wife’s need for love. He was locked into his own perception of what his role was to be and it did not include washing dishes and doing laundry. I knew at that moment that there was something more foundational than simply knowing a person’s love language.


5. What are the seven characteristics of lasting love?

I view love not as a single entity, but as a cluster of traits, which if developed will enhance all of life. These traits are:

• Kindness: discovering the joy of helping others
• Patience: accepting the imperfections of others
• Forgiveness: finding freedom from the grip of anger
• Courtesy: treating others as friends
• Humility: stepping down so someone else can step up
• Generosity: giving your time, money, and abilities to others
• Honesty: caring enough to tell the truth

6. Why do you think it’s so hard for people to embrace these characteristics?

All of us have some of these characteristics to some degree. Most people see love as being better than hate. But most of us are comfortable to live somewhere between love and hate in a lifestyle that is fundamentally focused on self. We feel good when we are making money, accumulating things, gaining status, but in time these things do not ultimately satisfy what I call the ‘true self’. The true self longs to make the world a better place to live. To do something to help those less fortunate than we.

However, we all suffer from the malady of being ego-centric. I call this the ‘false self’. It is that part of man that pulls him to focus on self-preservation and a self-centered lifestyle. This is not all bad. Indeed we must meet our own physical and emotional needs in order to continue life. It is when we never get beyond this self focus, that life becomes a ‘dog eat dog’ world where everyone is out for self even at the expense of others. Such a life never brings long-term satisfaction. However it is often later in life that people discover the emptiness of selfish living. I’m hoping that Love as a Way of Life will help people discover the satisfaction of developing the ‘true self’ earlier in life.

Gary D. Chapman

Book Summary:

For decades Dr. Gary Chapman’s best-selling books have shown readers how to speak the “love language” of those they care about. Now he digs even deeper to uncover the foundations of what it means to cultivate a lifestyle of love and how doing so leads to satisfaction and success in every area of life.

Drawing fresh insights from timeless biblical principles, Chapman presents poignant stories of real people who have discovered the joys of living out the seven characteristics of authentic love: kindness, patience, forgiveness, humility, courtesy, generosity, and honesty. Enhanced with eye-opening self tests, practical ideas for building daily habits of love, and inspiring examples of love’s power to change lives, this book guides readers in putting love to work in all of their interpersonal relationships.

Convinced that in a world of constant conflict people desperately need authentic love, Chapman paints a compelling vision of how life can be richer and relationships more satisfying for anyone who practices Love As a Way of Life.


Gary Chapman is the author of twenty-five books, including the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages, with more than 4 million copies in print. His daily radio program, A Love Language Minute, is broadcast on more than 100 stations nationwide. Chapman, a graduate of Moody Bible Institute, Wheaton College, Wake-Forest University, and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, serves on the pastoral staff at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

An Actress to Remember: Deborah Kerr

Deborah Kerr worked in Hollywood in the days of elegance and discretion. Love scenes were filled with tenderness and promise, never nudity and vulgarity. If you want to see the proof, watch "An Affair to Remember" made in 1957, the movie treats romance and falling in love with the magical hand long sense gone from movie making.

Or check out "The King and I." Starring opposite Yul Brenner, Ms. Kerr portrays the heart of a woman who loved a man, through respect and understanding. Two key ingredients, so often lacking in love stories of today.

Ms. Kerr proved her versatility with the role of Karen Holmes in "From Here to Eternity." She and Burt Lancaster made sand in your bloomers look nigh on erotic. Her Broadway debut, "Tea and Sympathy" also departed from her genteel and proper persona.

Her movies continue to touch hearts and lives. The 1993 hit "Sleepless in Seattle" introduced Kerr to a new generation of movie goers.

She nearly disappeared from the silver screen by 1970, citing disillusionment with the direction of the movie making industry. Who can blame her? Deborah Kerr said in an interview given in 1982, "Believe me, Cary and I knew how to kiss. When we did a love scene, we may not have been trying to swallow each other but, for those brief moments, we just loved each other."

She also said, "I think I understand what women see in the movie. There is a sweetness that is appealing and far removed from today's crudities. It makes them realize that the world has lost something delightful."

I think she is right.


Deborah Kerr, 1921-2007

Find out what it means to me...

So when you think of Aretha Franklin, you think R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Sock it to me.

As my wonderful wife has pointed out, the most popular Aretha song of all time was actually written by a guy. Not just any guy, but Mr. Sittin'-on-the-Dock-of-the-Bay himself, Otis Redding.

This guy was smooth. He was good looking. The girls loved him. But according to his song, he just wanted respect.

Heck, ask any guy if he'd prefer to be respected or loved, he'll most likely choose respect. It's the way we're raised, and it's the way our brains are wired.

So it should come as no surprise that many guys have a tough time showing love to their wives. Guys often think that the way to show their wives love is to do things for them, earn more money, work harder, buy more stuff...in other words, by being a guy!

WRONG!

She doesn't want your stuff, she wants YOU.

But...what does she need from you?

Well, most men cannot figure out women at all. Heck, there are men in their 80s who have been married 50 years who still don't understand women.

Since we are often so very clueless, our all-knowing Creator has TOLD us in his Word:

Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. - Ephesians 5:33

OK, so there's that respect thing again...but we must love her as we love ourselves? Hmmm...

Lets back up...

In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. - Ephesians 5:28-31

Wait..."as their own bodies"? "Become one flesh"? That has a familiar ring to it...

Then the Lord God made a woman from the part he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called ‘woman, "for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and they become a new family. - Genesis 2:22-24

Wow. So from the dawn of time to Jesus' coming and thereafter we have been commanded to love our wives as if she were part of our own bodies...because spiritually she IS part of our own bodies!

But this has limitations, right? I mean, there's some things that a guy just can't put up with. Right?

Right?

Consider this....

The Lord said to me, “Go, show love to your wife again, even though she loves another man and continually commits adultery. Likewise, the Lord loves the Israelites although they turn to other gods and love to offer raisin cakes to idols.” So I paid fifteen shekels of silver and about seven bushels of barley to purchase her. Then I told her, “You must live with me many days; you must not commit adultery or have sexual intercourse with another man, and I also will wait for you.” - Hosea 3:1-3

Hold it...time out. God wanted the prophet Hosea to go to his wife, who was not only gone but shacked up with a new guy, and to take her back? And he was not only commanded to take her back, but to LOVE her!

Little did Hosea know that this was setting the stage for a "bridegroom" yet to come.

Jesus loves His people unconditionally and without reservation. He is the bridegroom to His bride (the Church) just as men are the bridegroom to their wives.

He loved us so fully that he left His place in Heaven to come to Earth and live as one of us. He loved us so unconditionally that His sacrifice on the cross paid for ALL our sins, past, present and future, no matter WHAT we do.

So too must men love their wives fully and unconditionally. Only when she feels fully loved can she meet your emotional needs and find out what it means to YOU.

A Little Respect

What you may not realize is that Aretha Franklin's number one hit song, R.E.S.P.E.C.T., is a cover of a song written by Otis Redding in 1965. Despite the song's popularity and common affiliation with the feminist movement, it was originally written as a song about a man's desire for respect.

"What you want
Honey you've got it
And what you need
Baby you've got it
All I'm asking
Is for a little respect
when I come home" --Otis Redding

Respect.

Sounds simple enough.

But...In my experience, women tend to place more value on love. We ask, "do you love me?" We spend hours, days, years figuring out ways to be loved or to be loved more. But how much time do we spend figuring out ways to increase the amount of respect we have? Not nearly as much as men.

How does a woman show her man respect?

Remember the Taming of the Shrew? Petruchio insisted on a little respect. Kate had to learn how to give it. The ensuing relationship was built on mutual contribution: Kate learned to respect him, Petruchio learned to love her.

Some interpretations of the play, I'm certain, portray her as a docile, domineered wife. However, in an earlier post on the Shrew, I suggested Kate might show some qualities of a biblically submissive wife. A simple reading of the play may not give that interpretation, but plays are meant to be seen, not read! The Ashland production this year, played to the interpretation that Kate learned to honor her husband, even respect him.

The preface, presented to add depth to the hearing of the play, even suggested Shakespeare's England may have known a few things about biblical submission. The point is: Kate did not roll over and play the doormat and is not to be mistaken for Ibsen's Nora Helmer.*

Why mention Kate again? Because she learned a few things about speaking to her husband and to others about her husband.

Just like Kate, most women I know have a way with words. Most importantly, we know how to cut with words, but that same ability allows us to build up with words. Perhaps the first step in showing our husbands respect is watching our words--how we speak to him, about him, and for him.

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue."

--Proverbs 31:26

For more information about the issues of love and respect check out the book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love & Respect.

*Nora Helmer is the protagonist of Henrik Ibsen's play A Doll's House. In Ibsen's play, Nora is the quintessential oppressed wife. She was a possession of her husband, not his partner. The marriage relationship served to dehumanize her and rob her of her own identity.

Shakespeare on Submission Part II

Shakespeare, a proponent of submission? Verily!

In the Taming of the Shrew, the play builds to a pivotal moment: the three newly married gentleman engage in a little good natured ribbing which results in a wager. The wager is meant to determine the most "obedient wife." Of the three, Katharina is the only one to come when her husband bids. She is then sent to retrieve the other wives and she admonishes them:

"Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt....

And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace;
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love and obey...."

Forsooth, dear Kate! Obedience? Service? Kneeling?

You must be kidding.

But she's not. Check out what another writing says about submission:

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:22-24 NET Bible

Kate is not so far wrong after all.

And really, if you look at the entire context of the play, what has she learned? Perhaps, that being a shrew is pretty nasty business. It is not the way to "win friends, and influence people." But when you consider the overarching theme of disguise, it is interesting to consider who concealed themselves the most fruitfully.

Katharina put on the guise of a shrew, her mode of dealing with the inequity of her father's excessive and cosseting treatment of her sister. Bianca put on the guise of an obedient and charming woman, her way of winning a prized husband. But who gains the most in the end?

When Petruchio sets out to woo his wife, he decides the best course of action is to kill her with kindness. (Act IV Scene 1) His harsh words are not directed to her, but rather rails and flails on her behalf. Always insuring her comfort and care. He praises her wit and beauty and emphasizes her value.

Petruchio's methods could be construed as an attempt to break Kate's will. But nothing could be farther from the truth! He compares his plan to the taming of a hawk. Falconry does not seek to break the spirit of the bird, but redirects the hawk's natural impulses. Her fiery spirit is one of the things that drew him to her from the beginning, he has no desire to put it out.

Petruchio adopts the guise of the shrew. From his behavior, Katharina sees herself in a new way. And despite his pretense she experiences, first hand, the equity of the next verse in Ephesians.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;" Ephesians 5:25 Net Bible

Katharina's reprimand to the other wives ends. She turns to her husband and says:
"My hand is ready; may it do him ease."

Petruchio replies:
"Why there's a wench. Come on and kiss me Kate."

And she does.

One more thing. Skip down a few lines, past the pained musings of the other husbands, and read Petruchio's final lines,

"Come, Kate, we'll to bed.
We three are married, but you two are sped.
Twas I won the wager, [To LUCENTIO.]
though you hit the white;
And, being a winner.
God give you good night!"

In the OSF production (summer 2007) the players left little doubt to the meaning of these words. Petruchio and Kate leave hand in hand. Smiles on their faces and a impish wink from Kate to the other brides.

Has he tamed her? Or loved her?

Shakespeare on Submission

Although some critics insist The Taming of the Shrew no longer has a place in our modern, forward thinking culture, playgoers flock to its presentation. This past weekend, my husband and I attended the Oregon Shakespeare Festival and heard the Shrew in the Elizabethan theatre with nearly twelve hundred other playgoers.

First, a little background and summary for the Shrew. A shrew is a small "mouselike insectivorous" mammal.

Wait!

A mouse?

Yes. That was the original, and enduring definition. The word was adapted along the way to mean a "spiteful person" (c. 1250), "wicked, or dangerous," and "evil or scolding" person. And it meant a male. Not until 1386 was the term applied to a woman. It is possible even that Shakespeare's creation had some hand in refining the word to become the term we associate most often with a nagging, scolding, violent-tempered woman.

And so begins the play, with a shrew. Or more specifically the play begins with an "induction." The induction frames the play, and sets up the players as a vision or dream watched by a man named Christopher Sly. The theme introduced here is: beware of appearances.

The conflict is evident from the beginning: The merchant Baptista has two beautiful daughters--Bianca, lovely and desirable and Katharina, lovely, but despicable. He insists he must marry off his eldest daughter Katharina before he will give Bianca away in marriage.

Bianca's suitors agree the only way to succeed in their pursuit is to find a man who is willing to take the fair Kate for his wife. Petruchio, a fortune hunting man of Padua, enters and agrees to woo the maid. What follows is a cacophony of concealment and deception. Bianca's suitors don complicated disguises to wheedle themselves into her and her father's good graces.

Petruchio begins the difficult task of taming Katharina and arranging for their impending marriage. In the end, Petruchio and Katharina are quite happily married. Bianca has married Lucentio, a man of Pisa, and another of her suitors has found contentment by marrying a widow. It is in the final scenes that we see who the real "shrew" is.

• Could it be the fiery Katharina who scolded and screeched all of her life?
• The fair and docile Bianca who was evidently a victim of her sister's rages?
• Or perhaps the father who favored one daughter over the other?
  

In the final lines we have Shakespeare's view of submission through Katharina's closing monologue...and this is where we will begin in part two of this post.

Send in the Clowns

My grandmother has fallen victim to a vicious predator of the aged. Is it Alzheimer's? Dementia? We may never know. For more than a decade, she's been afraid that her doctor is conspiring against her. Sometimes she thinks he is trying to steal her land, at other times she believes he is trying to kill her by prescribing "rat poison." (It was actually coumadin--a blood thinner.) She refuses to go to the doctor anymore.

The problem is, her deteriorating memory is leading to a myriad of dilemmas. She is becoming more and more unstable.

She puts Metamucil in the coffee pot. She questions who the "old man" in her bed is (Poppo, her husband of 45 years). She puts dirty dishes away instead of washing them. She is convinced the government took her driver's license away because she turned eleven.

This is a woman whose memory was longer than the Willamette River. She worked as hard as any draft horse. And she cooked well enough to--well, she cooked well enough. She plowed, and hoed, and raised a field of roses.

Soon my dad and uncle will have to place her in a care facility. What a terrible decision to have to make! The good news; Poppo has finally realized it is time, and he is ready to go with her. Even through all the pain...through the lapses in her memories...through the hateful things she says and does in her diminished state, he loves her.

In an earlier post ("Marriage First--Part III," published March 15, 2007) I asked the following question:

"If a husband is not meant to be our strength, if he will never love and accept us perfectly, what is he good for?"

Poppo is a wonderful example...

Marriage First--Part III

Men were not created to carry us. A husband does not supply our strength. (For a quick study of what the Bible says about strength, check out a few of the following verses: Ex 15:2; 1 Ch 16:11, 27, 29:12, Ps. 18:1, 32, 39, 23:3, 29:11, 59:9, 17, 105:4, 118:14, Isa. 33:2, 40:29, 31, 49:5, 58:11, Jer. 16:19, 1 Co. 1:25, Eph 6:10)

Let's take it a step further.

Have you ever dreamed of someone who would love and accept you completely?

Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary puts Psalms 118:9 another way, "trust in him [God] alone to accept and bless us."

Oh my. Is it possible that we find the greatest acceptance in God? The one who made us and knows all about us? If you are seeking this kind of acceptance through love and marriage, you are looking in the wrong place.

"Do not trust in princes, or in human beings, who can not deliver!" (Psalms 146:3, NET Bible)

A husband will never live up to the dream. God is the only One who can love and accept us completely. God is Love. (see 1 Jo 4:8 & 1 Jo 4:16) And His love is perfect.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love." (1 Jo 4:18, NET Bible)

If a husband is not meant to be our strength, if he will never love and accept us perfectly, what is he good for?

Marriage First--Part II

Recently a friend complained that her marriage is not what she thought it would be. Her husband is not as attentive and romantic as he was before they traded rings. She lacks the interest to indulge his wants and needs. Instead of a spark turning into a raging inferno, the coals are barely warm.

My question would be, did she marry because of a heart prompting from God? Or did she marry because she was "in love" and marriage was the next logical step?

In 1995, John Michael Montgomery had a number one hit with "I Can Love you Like That." In my acquaintance, the pervasive sentiment of love and relationships is expressed in the first lines of this song:

"They read you Cinderella
You hoped it would come true
That one day your Prince Charming
Would come rescue you
You like romantic movies
You never will forget
The way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet
All this time that you've been waiting..." ("I Can Love You Like That," by Steve Diamond/Maribeth Derry/Jennifer Kimball)

How true! Young girls often hope for Prince Charming: a romantic notion of a white knight who will sweep us off our feet. But is this a biblical view?

"It is better to take shelter in the LORD, than to trust in princes." (Ps 118:9, NET Bible)

Ouch!

Psalm 118 is titled "Thanksgiving for Victory." Found in the fifth section (or book) of Psalms it is part of the "Songs of Ascent," written after the second temple was finished, and used by the Israelites as a song while traveling up to Jerusalem. Wait? The Israelites, the chosen people of God? Who better to realize the faithlessness of princes or nobles? And if this verse is written by David, think of his experiences with Saul--talk about betrayal.

The verse is written in the original Hebrew as a comparison. "It is better...than..." (Ps 118:9, emphasis mine). Depend on the LORD. Rely on the LORD. God is almighty, powerful, just, and benevolent. God is truth. God is Love. Could a mere man carry us through death? God did! The death of His son on the cross carries us into eternity. If he can do that, why would we seek anything less to carry us through life?


The Psalmist is very clear. Do not trust in princes (nobles). The point is: even men with the greatest power--men who are chivalrous, honest and true--do not have the strength to lift us up--to carry us!

Marriage First--Part I

The working title of my novel is First Comes Marriage. If you read my blog sometime in the last few days you may have noticed the phrase "First Comes Love." Every now and then I slip and say the latter. The title comes from the children's rhyme, "K-i-s-s-i-n-g, then comes love, then comes marriage..." and the rhyme is embedded deeper in my mind than my own title. (By the way--I fixed the error this morning so no need to search for it.)

This is the first in a trilogy exploring the pioneer era of Central Oregon. The railroad was not complete and water was still a prized commodity. Travel from Shaniko to Terrebonne (58 miles) would take no less than 8 hours by auto-bus, 24 hours by stage or as long as 4 days by horseback! And we think we have it rough driving through Redmond at rush hour.

Each title in the series will playfully twist the familiar rhyme: First Comes Marriage, Next Comes Love, Along Comes Baby.

Why marriage first?

In the United States, the modern conventions of marriage lead us to believe that when someone falls madly in love, the natural fulfillment of this love is marriage. What if the reverse is true? Can a man and woman marry and find the natural fulfillment of this marriage is love? How does this fit with God's view of marriage?